Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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