I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I AM VODKA MAN
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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