i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
