I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
