There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
