had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
