would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
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