The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
