you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
