I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
