im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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