The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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