At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
