woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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