my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize