it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You dont lie about slip and slides
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
