pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
