During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
