im having a threesome with these popsicles
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
