I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
