I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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