I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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