I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Randomize
