dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
