I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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