i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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