Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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