What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
