I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
