He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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