the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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