He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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