what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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