broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
