She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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