You're a womanizer and a bitch.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
