Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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