Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
