I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Soap is not a condiment
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just invented taco cereal.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
