Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
