It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
