She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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