I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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