I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
