Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
