just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
50% drunk capacity currently
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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