my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
