My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
