Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
