Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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