I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
